Tony died of a terminal condition - untreatable mental illness.
For most of his life, Tony suffered from OCD (Obsessive-Compulsive Disorder), an
anxiety disorder, which left untreated can destroy it's victim's right to a happy,
productive, normal life. It was clear from a very early age that Tony would struggle to make his way in life and that every day would prove to be a challenge. No one knew
at first just what was 'wrong' with him, and for years his disorder went undiagnosed.
Despite repeated failure and defeat, Tony tried his best to make it, but all the years
that his OCD had gone untreated began to take hold of his very being. When at the
age of 16 when OCD was diagnosed, it seemed to be too late. His mind was already so controlled by the thoughts and his time so consumed by the rituals that precious little time was left for anything else.
Still he fought - year after year - hoping for nothing more than to be 'normal'. But Tony's particular twist of OCD would not allow him to comply with drug or behavior therapy and so he got no measurable relief from his obsessive thoughts, his rituals or his deepening depression. He tried and tried until he could try no more. The last 8 months of Tony's life were filled with constant mental torture - unrelenting, intrusive thoughts racing through his mind every waking moment. Hating every minute of it, his days were filled with hours of repetitive rituals that left him mentally exhausted and disgusted.
Tony courageously fought a long, hard battle, but at the age of 24, worn and defeated,
my son, believing he could not win, made his final decision ...
Deep in total hopelessness and despair, Tony bought a shotgun and in a motel room
he called me on the phone, then put the gun to his head and pulled the trigger . . . . . . .
. . . . . . . that sound will haunt me forever . . . . . . .
Some say that suicide is a selfish act - that it's the cowardly way out. But strange as it may seem to those who read here, I can honestly say that though my heart screams in pain, I stand in awe of my son for the great courage it took to make that ultimate sacrifice for the peace he so desperately sought. Why this was to be Tony's life experience is a question that remains unanswered, but I do believe that in death, Tony has finally been granted the peace he was denied in life.
My "Motherheart" aches for my boy . . . my arms long to hold him . . . but I do know that I WILL see him again one day, and when I do . . . he'll be smiling.
I love you Tony, and I'll hold you safe in my heart
and keep you close to me forever - never to be forgotten.
